“Brooklyn Cheesecake” from “Flavour”

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Kirstin: So I had all these plans for us today, and as the girl is on half term I thought we should go to a museum or something. You know, to bond. But Storm Doris had other plans for us, and we decided to stay indoors. And make a cake!

Ella: I wanted to go to the British Museum and see the Brutus coin.

Kirstin: Riiiiight. That well known Brutus coin. Ha! I let Ella choose the cake but not the music.

Ella: I wanted to listen to Quomodo Dicitur.

Kirstin: I vetoed the musical choice because I don’t need to listen to Latin while baking. Anyway, why did you choose this cake?

Ella: Because I like cheesecake more than I like chocolate cake. And this one involved crushing things.

Kirstin: Yes, you did rather enjoy the crushing part, didn’t you.

Ella: I love to crush. We were supposed to use a rolling pin to crush the biscuits, but we also happen to own this spiky hammer, it’s like a hammer but with metal spikes. Perfect for smashing in the skulls of your enemies.

Kirstin: It’s a meat tenderiser.

Ella: So I was just taking out some of my rage on these biscuits, as you do, but I ended up foiled by the brazil nut effect.

Kirstin: Riiiight. So while that was happening, I was making the rest of the cake.

Ella: I still don’t understand what cream cheese is. Is it cream? Is it cheese? Is it some Franken-dairy-product?

Kirstin: Good question. I have never been able to figure it out.

Ella: IT’S ALIVE!

Kirstin: …

Ella: There’s not even cheese in this cake. What kind of fake news is this. What kind of alternative facts. What’s the truth.

Kirstin: Anything about the actual cake?

Ella: I am disappointed that you didn’t let me lick the bowl.

Kirstin: So what did you think of the final product?

Ella: The cake was good. The cake was REALLY good. It was like, you die and you think you’ve ascended to heaven and God is there and she gives you this cheesecake and you’re like ‘is this heaven,’ and she’s like ‘Get Ready to Level Up, Mortal,’ and you take a bite out of the cheesecake and instantly ascend to Heaven². And God² is there and she reveals the secrets of quantum physics to you and you get to punch Plato in the face with the meat tenderiser.

Kirstin: Excellent. Shall I make it again sometime?

Ella: If you let me lick the bowl.

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“Brooklyn Cheesecake” from “Flavour”

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